White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
