It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
