I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
