I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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