he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
