good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
