it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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