i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
soo... how was my night?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
