you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
