Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
