I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
