Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
