im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
