Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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