I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
