my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
