He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
