My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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