I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
