Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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