I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
