my mouth tastes like poor choices
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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