Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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