i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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