I hate all girls vehemently.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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