Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
