I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Every concussion has its silver lining
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
