Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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