God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
