My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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