Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
