i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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