"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
