I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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