I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i now understand why vodka
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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