went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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