can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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