its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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