I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
