he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Still dying that you shit outside
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Congratulations! We have a period
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