Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
