I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
