I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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