i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
