He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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