Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
