a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Mom said you looked used
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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