Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
