I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
