A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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