I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
