rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
