1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
