don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Shame - the story of my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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