new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
4 words: hood of his car
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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