i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We have so much sex to catch up on
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
